This weekend the Governor of NJ, Phil Muphy, announced a series of new executive orders. Streaming live from his $6,000,000 NJ home Gov. Murphy began his press release.
“Today is a sad sad day. Another tax payer died of Covid-19. It doesn’t matter that the individual had cancer, diabetics, gout, severe flatulance disorder and weighted 550 lbs. So that will mean less tax revenue generated for the great state of New Germany, errr, I mean New Jersey.
We must ban together and each New Jersyan must do their part, and by that I mean I’m going to tax the living hell out of you. Therefor, beginning next month all New Jersey residents, other than my rich hedge fund friends, will be glad to pay the new 2% ‘Health for the Children’ fund. This fund will directly go to ‘Health for the Children Fund, LLC‘ which is a division of GPM Enterprises, which stands for Gov Phil Murphy. So thank you for your donations, I mean your allegiance.
Secondly, NJ residents are a bunch of knuckleheads. You can not be trusted. Therefore, I am enacting my Rich White Privilage card, member number 00006434, and by the power granted in me and by me, I am granting myself more power. Under the state of emergency clause, I am temporarily suspending any and all elections for the position of Governor. Now this is only temporary. It will begin immediately and end roughly in May...of 2040. Again, this is, ah, just a temporary measure, until I deem the people of New Jersey not to be knuckleheads. Any by not being knuckleheads, I mean republicans must vote for democrats.
Next, beginning last week, every person who has been convicted of the high crime of being a Republican must immediately give up your home as a donation to the Great State of Phil Murphy, err, I mean New Germany, damn it, I meant to say New Jersey. That was just a lil’ po-fa there. Ha ah ha!
Finally, I have enacted in accordance with the new Murphy Constitution, which allows me to close businesses that don’t love school teachers unions who protect the ineffective teachers, errr I mean kid touches, errr, I mean those wonderful unions. Yes, your business will be closed unless you succumb to the correct ways of Democratic Socialism, also known as Full-Blown-Retard, and swear allegiance to me as you bow before and kiss my ring. That is all.”
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