Cupertino, CA - Today at their spaceship styled headquarters, Tim Cook CEO of Apple Inc, took the stage to announce their new products. As usual, the crowd swooned more and more with the new 11 camera, iPhone 75, the updated Pro iPad Pro-Pro, and the reinvented Airy-Air. Airy-Air is where you pay Tim Cook $25 for the priviliage of sniffing a rich, white, billionaire’s flatulence.
Then Tim said the famous line, “Well...there is one more thing”, and the crowd lept to their feet screaming. “This has been a long time coming”, continued Cook. “Here at Apple we cater to you, the user. More than ever, especially in the aftermath of Orange Man Bad, we need to create a device that is so woke, that it will leave you bewildered. Today we blur the lines between #genders.“
“Apple is a diverse company. We have people with pink hair, blue hair, purple hair, green hair, and even rainbow colored hair. But that simply is not enough. We donated money to #BLM, then you asked us to do more. So we began to remove apps from our App Store when those damn #Republicans #triggered you while you were in your #safespace. But you showed us the light. We need to do much, much more. So instead of thinking outside the box, we began to think, what if there was no box? Then we thought, what if there was no line between the #patriarchy and #matriarchy? And that is basis of our newest device.”
A large box rises out of the stage with a black silk cloth that is covering the newest gem from Apple’s engineering teams. Lights swirl across the stage. The crowd cheers and applauds because they are doing what they were told by upper management before the meeting.
“I present to you” as he pull the cloth away, “the iTrans”. The crowd roars with applause as they agree how Apple is the most morally superior company. “Yes“, continued Cook, “the iTrans will ‘Trans-form’ gender transitions for those who wish to become a member of the gender they choose. Simply, power on the unit and follow the touch screen instructions.”
“All you need to do is insert your unwanted appendage into the iTrans.” Cook pulls down his pants and shows his shriveled up manhood. He then inserts his limp noodle into the iTrans. He continues, with a look of panic on his face and sweating profusely, “A local anesthetic is applied and then a small guillotine drops down to remove the penis and testicles.” Cook gulps with a confused look on his face. “You then have the option to select either female genitalia or, as I just did, you can opt for the Kendoll, where you have no genitalia.” He then shows his bleeding nothing ness to the crowd as they cheer him onward.
”You can also choose to remove your breasts using the same program, and even add one of those ugly penis things if you really want one. Ohhhh! I’m feeling a little lightheaded.” Cook looks down and sees all the blood on the floor as he continues to bleed profusely. “There are a few, very insignificant side effects such as; vomiting, diarrhea, bleeding, paralysis, possibly death, a high probability of suicide, and lots of regret.”
Cook then passed out naked on the stage and the audience runs out of the auditorium to stand in line for the next 43 days to be one of the first to overpay for the new, iTrans.
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